I Never Told Anyone About My Hoe Days… But I Never Imagined I Could’ve Done So Much Damage

My earliest memories of this probably dates as far back as when I was six years old.

I am from a family of five, we lived in the ghetto.. “the Vaza” as we call it, and the kitchen door of our home was an ever present problem. If left on its own, it could never remain open. Its position on the house, it’s orientation and relation to the wind direction allowed it to catch the breeze quite frequently and slam. It was quite annoying. And this was long before home air conditioning units were common place so leaving the door close was hardly an option. The house needs ventilation to cool it down. That door needed to be open, especially when it was breezy.

We were faced with a dilemma and all I wanted as a kid was a kitchen door that could split in two; where the bottom stays closed and the top can open. My grandmothers and grandfarther all had kitchen doors like that… that was the norm as far as I knew. I just wanted our door to be like everyone else’s.

Somewhere along the line it was decided that we use what I thought was a “mini shovel”, but what I have been informed was actually a garden hoe that we had laying around to prop the door open and EUREKA…. No more slamming doors. We used it for years and I was happy with our kitchen door but eventually the wooden staff of the garden tool was worn away so much by the constant friction between it and the door that it became too short to do the job effectively  any more so its use was discontinued. Perhaps it was for the best.

A couple weeks ago I came across a video on youtube (It’s embedded below) that really had me think of how dangerous it would have been if anyone found out what we were doing. I mean who tha fuq uses a garden tool for that? Perhaps some people do… but I am sure its not in the majority. A hoe has a specific design that was made for a specific purpose. The wooden part was made for holding and the metal part was made to withstand a lot of wear and tear. That’s what it was made for. Purpose first! Back then we were only thinking of our needs and not that of the whole human race and I admit, that was selfish.

We did not have the foresight to anticipate that our radical idea would have immeasurable ripple effects and soon everyone would be using their hoes as door props; whether they have a slamming kitchen door or not, and that would have lead to a breakdown in gardening practices. All the earth’s soil would remain unhilled and undrilled resulting in massive food shortages. We’d be unable to feed ourselves as a species resulting in the eventual annihilation of the human race.

You may think it silly, but the dystopia predicted could very well happen.. couldn’t it? Isn’t that how the world works? I guarantee there are many people around the world that believe this as well… probably many times more than those who use garden tools as door props and, if the majority is saying it then surely that qualifies it as being true. Yet you with your ‘intelligence’ rationalize that a hoe can make a pretty handy garden tool as well as a decent door prop and to that I say No! It cannot be both.. which is it? Purpose First!. You probably also feel that although we chose not to use the garden tool for its original purpose, it doesn’t magically stop the countless others from continuing to work the soil with one. You may even make some desperate attempt to convince me that no less food is going to still end up on the table because of it,  because we weren’t interested in gardening in any case but if we chose too.. we still had working tools… but your logic and common sense is wasted here.

While a bit of a stretch, my hoe story is very real. We really did have a nuisance of a kitchen door… We still do actually, but we now have an alternative solution (using a different device) but that would not have made an interesting headline now would it.This story was also makes a pretty decent metaphor in response to the gentleman in the video below and other like minded people… So you know what they say “if it falls in your garden…”